topics

Adultery and Forgiveness

Does he love you? Did he ever love you? How could she do such a thing? Is she staying? How did you fail to notice the signs?

Lots of things are up in the air when a spouse is caught cheating, and lots of questions need answering. Perhaps the most important question of all—and the one you feel least like answering—is, "Can you forgive?"

Not should you, but can you: will forgiveness ever be possible?

The first thing to know is that the inability to forgive, especially at first, is not a failure on your part. Anyone can swallow hard and say the magic formula, "I forgive you," and then carry mistrust and resentment around for the rest of their life. Give yourself time to heal and take stock of what it means to forgive this person.

The second thing to know is that forgiveness isn't a feeling: it's a decision. There comes a point when you realize that you must forgive in order for life to go on. Anger and resentment have a way of gnawing into the human heart, hollowing it out like worms to an apple. Don't let that happen. This is not to say that you must deny your hurt; there is nothing to be gained in rushing forgiveness. But it is to say that you must let go of some things to grab hold of others. Sometimes you must decide, regardless of how you feel, to forgive so that you may go on.

Forgiveness is possible, but it's not a ritual that will magically erase your hurt. Rather, forgiveness is a commitment: a commitment to honor the feelings inside you, and a commitment to refuse to be a victim.