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Exploring Marriage Counseling: Does it Work?
If you're seriously considering marriage counseling, it's understandable to want assurance that the process would work. After all, you're not just investing time and money; you're also investing your emotions --- and risking your marriage by inviting scrutiny. Painful wounds can get opened; dirty laundry would get revealed to a stranger. It's but natural to wonder: will it all be worth it in the end? Does marriage counseling work?
The straight answer is: generally yes, but not always.
As with any professional helping relationship, there is no assurance that marriage counseling will solve your marital problems and heal your relationship. But the good news is, there are many things that can work in your favor.
First off, the mere fact that you and your partner are considering marriage counseling is a good sign. It means that you're aware that there's a problem in your marriage, and you're willing to take steps to address it. Your sincerity and willingness to cooperate can go a long way in increasing the effectiveness of the counseling process.
And even if just one-half of a couple is open to counseling, things are still hopeful. The counselor has an ally in the helping process, and this can make the process progress much faster. Some marriage counseling techniques are applicable too even if there's just one spouse attending sessions.
Here are some of the things that you can do to make marriage counseling work:
Get help as soon as possible.
Don't wait until you're served with divorce papers to go to a marriage counselor!
Relational problems are the same as physical illness; the sooner they get treated, the better the prognosis. This makes sense; the longer you wait, the more confused the issues become, the deeper the hurt gets and the greater is the resistance to change. If you go to counseling while the problem is still brewing, then you can nip it in the bud and even set preventive measures in place.
However, if a couple goes to counseling with at least one spouse already set for divorce, prognosis for the marriage is poor despite counseling. The same goes when there was never love or friendship to begin with, as is the case with arranged marriages. While there are cases when counseling can reverse mindsets, --- and indeed, even create/ reignite chemistry --- at the end of the day it's still the partners' choice to push through or go their separate ways.
Be open.
It's the couple's attitude to counseling ---and to one another --- that largely determines whether or not the process will work.
Go into counseling with an open mind and heart. At the very least, this implies a willingness to consider your partner's side of the story and make reasonable concessions. Your counselor is not an arbitrator, and your job is not to paint your spouse as the villain in the story. In relationships, no one person is the cause of a problem. Chances are, both of you contributed to the situation, either because of something that you did or something that you didn't do. You both must be willing to change if you want the process to bear fruit.
And remember: bring optimism to your sessions. If you doom the process to fail, even before you've set foot in the office, then you are going to miss opportunities for recovery that come your way. All the counseling techniques in the world mean nothing to people who are not at least willing to consider forgiveness and reconciliation.
Be patient.
Counseling is a process; you can't expect immediate and dramatic results.
It's not unusual to find couples expecting that a decade of resentment will go away with one hour of therapy. But depending on the nature of the problem, marriage counseling may take several sessions --- weeks, months, sometimes even years. Sometimes this is because counseling goals have to broken down into many steps, at times the emotion is too deep to be explored overnight. Don't try to rush through everything that needs to be done, or you'll lose the opportunity for long term change.
So invest time. Make counseling sessions a priority; don't squeeze it in with your free time at work. Don't miss a scheduled session and always arrive ready and willing. When you're given tasks and homework, accomplish them --- and report results accurately.
Choose the right professional.
Not all mental health professionals are equipped to handle marriage counseling sessions. You want to choose someone whose background is really marriage or family counseling, as the dynamics of counseling individuals and counseling relationships are very different.
Look too for the length of marriage counseling experience. Understandably, the veterans in the field may have more expertise than those who have been in the business in fewer years. You can always make inquiries before you decide on your counselor --- or go for an interview just to determine if he or she is the one for you.
At times, counseling progress can get stuck despite the counselor's skill and experience. This may be because you're the wrong fit with your counselor, or it's just not the right time for counseling. Don't let this loosen your belief in the process. When this happens, it's no one's fault, and your counselor is ethically bound to give you a qualified referral to another mental health professional.
Lastly, remember: crisis can be good.
The old adage "it gets worse before it gets better" can be applied to marriage counseling. The process is not always smooth and pleasant; in fact, you might even get your worst fight within sessions. But sometimes the best way to heal an issue is to blow it out in the open ---- it's stressful, but it can motivate you to take action.
When you feel threatened and cornered, always remember that negative feelings are not necessarily signs that the counseling is stuck or is not working. In fact, they can be signs that you are making progress. Resisting is a normal reaction to any significant change.