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Premarital Counseling: A Tradition for a Big Decision
It's ironic the way engaged couples spend so much time and effort preparing their wedding, and yet not give preparing for marriage a single thought. A wedding lasts for only a day; marriage lasts for years. The embarrassment of wearing the wrong color gown can be forgotten tomorrow; the impact of making hasty marital decisions can become part of your life forever.
Premarital counseling is one of the ways engaged couples can prepare for their marriage. It's a professional helping relationship where partners can clarify their values as a couple, build relationship skills, and anticipate potential problems in their marriage. There are occasions too when premarital counseling can serve as an exploration of a couple's readiness for marriage. If you're having significant doubts about entering into this commitment, pre-marital counseling is always a good idea.
Premarital counseling can help in:
Getting to know your partner deeper.
Marriage should be based on a real knowledge of your partner --- after all, you're pledging lifelong commitment to this person, and you're asking him or her to raise your family. Premarital counseling can help you understand your partner better --- their values, expectations and personality quirks ---- and consequently know how you can best relate with them. Some premarital counselors even offer an exploration of partner's genealogy, so that you can both appreciate the context your partner grew up in and understand what their backgrounds mean for you as a couple.
Clarifying major decisions as a couple.
Many engaged couples, caught in the romance of the moment, don't anticipate the many decisions they have to make as a couple. Unfortunately, seemingly light decisions before marriage --- such as where to live, who will make the money, how many kids to have and how to raise children --- can be huge fights in the future. This is especially so when couples don't communicate beforehand that some things are non-negotiable for them.
Many decisions in marriage would affect your everyday life as a couple, which is why it's always best to anticipate them even before saying "I do". In some cases, the issue in contention is so significant that the couple is better off postponing marriage until it's worked through. A counselor can help surface these decision areas, and provide guidance on how to navigate them.
Understanding marital life.
There are many myths about marriage. Ask couples "what made you decide to marry?" and you'll be surprised at the variation in the answers they'll come up with. There are many myths about love too. For instance, have you heard that "as long as two people love each other, everything should be smooth sailing"?
Illusions about marriage and love can cost a couple. While it's true that love has a powerful and magical element to it, marriage is still a major change. Newlyweds have to navigate through many difficult and possibly painful tasks: saying goodbye to the habits of single life, being emotionally independent from one's family-of-origin, setting up a new household and learning new responsibilities just to name a few. A better understanding of the nuts and bolts of marital life can help a couple prepare for this change better.
Strengthening at-risk couples.
Some couples have greater challenges than others when it comes to navigating married life. Individuals who came from abusive households or from families with a history of addiction are recommended to go through premarital counseling as their history makes them prone to many relational issues. Interracial, intercultural and/ or interreligious couples also have more differences to address than the typical partners. A teenage couple is also at high risk for marital problems and divorce. The same goes with future blended families. Couples with special challenges are recommended to seek premarital counseling to better understand the dynamics of their unique situation.
Creating a vision for your family.
Lastly, premarital counseling can help a couple create the family they want and deserve. In a sense, marriage is like a business: you need to have a long term plan if you want it to grow. A relationship can start in a more secure footing if you take time creating a vision of what kind of marriage and family you'd like to have. What values would your marriage stand on? Where do you see your family in 5 or 10 years? Creating a vision ---and an action plan! --- can help guide you as a couple in making major decisions in your life.
Where can you find a premarital counselor? Christian churches and parishes regularly offer this service; pastors and priests are typically trained to conduct one. Christian pre-marriage counseling, however, is based on church values and doctrines and may not be for everyone. If you're looking for a secular service-provider, most marriage counselors are equipped to conduct premarital counseling.
Unfortunately, premarital counseling is not very popular. Counseling is rarely considered unless one is already in a crisis stage. It is often thought of as a "cure" for problematic relationships; a happy couple starting out has no need of a mental health professional. But counseling can also serve educative and enrichment purposes; it can be strength rather than problem oriented.
It is the opinion of many relationship experts, that many of today's divorces could have been prevented had couples just invested time with premarital counseling.